I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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