There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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