hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
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