Look at my ENTIRE past
Highly public sexual behavior gross mismanagement of funds socially unaccpetable and radical speech and thought
Might as well have a blog about it at this point
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize