I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
Randomize
