Hilbilly word of the day is cedar, example....I knowed she ain\'t got no panties on cuz I cedar cooter.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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