As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
