i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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