I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
