i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Randomize
