I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Randomize
