im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
