White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Randomize
