So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
So much rum. So many feels.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
