I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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