Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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