Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
