You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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