I cannot find my penis.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
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