do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
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