Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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