I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
