Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
I hope this doesn't change things. I feel that me being a minor made it more exciting.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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