Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
