she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
