Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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