Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
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