I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
