Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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