Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
