There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
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