The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
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