I should be sponsored by Trojan
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
Randomize
