Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Randomize
