see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Randomize
