better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
