So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Randomize
