they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
