I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
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