i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
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