oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Randomize
