there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
