Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Randomize
