it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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