fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
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