he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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