Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
