thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
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