If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
