i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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