She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
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