i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Randomize
