he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Randomize
