i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
i now understand why vodka
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize