My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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