I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
