You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
